Elephants and Tea - September 2022 - 6

Learning to Cope YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID
It can be hard to find a way to ride the waves of emotions
while dealing with the physical assaults of the disease.
But understanding why it's so emotional and talking
about the impact of cancer on mental health might help
break those automatic feedback loops that set us into a
tailspin when we hear the words, " You've got cancer. "
How do you find resilience and a path
through it? Understanding that you are
not alone or weak is half the challenge, the
other half is developing some habits to help
you cope. There are three broad categories
of things to consider:
* Coping by thinking, such as problem
solving, training yourself to focus on
only one thing or one day at a time,
compartmentalizing, and sometimes
entertaining a bit of denial.
* Coping by doing, such as finding something
to laugh about, hugging someone
you love, petting the dog, exercising,
getting more fruits and vegetables in
your diet-all things that help change
body chemistry for the better.
* Mind-body coping, such as yoga and
prayer, singing, and even knitting that
integrates physical and brain-based
activities to help sooth our agitated
minds.
None of us have made it through life without
facing setbacks, and what's worked before is
a good place to start for coping with cancer.
However, it helps to learn a few more tricks
along the way and to incorporate as many
good coping strategies as possible.
DIRECT HIT
Unfortunately, all that emotional volatility,
on top of the physical assaults of cancer, can
make a mess of other aspects of our lives,
especially relationships. Whether we are
talking about close friendships or family,
emotional or physical intimacy, there is a lot
that gets in the way of normalcy when we are
dealing with cancer emotions.
Right from the start, it's hard for us to be
fully open and honest with those around
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ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
SEPTEMBER 2022
us about all that we are going through-
sometimes to protect them, sometimes to
protect ourselves, or sometimes because
we don't know and understand enough of
what we are feeling to be able to share. But
that little gap in what we share becomes a
wedge that, over time, has the potential to
drive a larger separation between us and
those we love. With our intimate partners,
the physical challenges of scars, ostomies,
hormonal changes, and neuropathies are
the icing on this self-identity crisis cake.
Recognizing that the gap is there and slowly
rebuilding mutual understanding can go a
long way toward repairing broken relationships
and preparing for the physical ones
when we are ready.
Cancer is a big #@$%&* ordeal, and it
can be hard to find a way to ride the waves
of emotions while dealing with the physical
assaults of the disease. But understanding
why it's so emotional and talking about the
impact of cancer on mental health might
help break those automatic feedback loops
that set us into a tailspin when we hear the
words, " You've got cancer. "
My way of dealing with the emotional
turmoil was asking questions. Once
it all seemed to make sense, I wanted to
share what I had learned with as many
people as possible. So, I built a website,
TheBigOrdeal.com. I wrote a book. I speak.
I mentor newly diagnosed cancer patients,
and I stay involved with cancer organizations
helping to address these issues. Giving
back has helped me find resilience and make
sense of my experience. But I also learned
that despite the common threads to our
stories, we are all so different-our cancer
stories vary, our DNA and life histories are
never the same, and each of us is unique in
how we internalize and express our emotions.
All that variation means the only right
way to cope is the one that works for you. l
CYNTHIA HAYES
IS THE AUTHOR OF
THE BIG ORDEAL:
UNDERSTANDING
AND MANAGING THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL
TURMOIL OF CANCER.
SINCE RECOVERING FROM
HER OWN DISEASE IN
2016, SHE HAS HELPED
RAISE AWARENESS OF
THE SHARED EMOTIONAL
EXPERIENCE OF
CANCER, THE PHYSICAL
DRIVERS OF THAT
EXPERIENCE, AND HOW
TO COPE WITH IT ALL .
WHEN NOT SPEAKING
OR WRITING ABOUT
CANCER EMOTIONS,
SHE VOLUNTEERS AS A
PEER MENTOR TO NEWLY
DIAGNOSED PATIENTS, IS
AN AVID TENNIS PLAYER,
AND LIVES WITH HER
ADORING HUSBAND AND
SHIH TZU PUPPY IN NEW
YORK CITY.
http://thebigordeal.com/ http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - September 2022

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