The Leading Edge - Spring 2010 - PKF - 18

Q&A

in a nutshell by Chris Desantis
FOrgET THE FIrST-DATE prOpOSAL ApprOACH TO MEnTOrIng
Q: What are the biggest mistakes and therefore lessons to learn about being a mentor?
the entry-level people, those in need of mentors, most likely represents far greater diversity than the senior-level people. Basically this means that as a mentor, fewer mentees are just like me. It means the historical approach to mentoring has to change. It means we, as mentors, have to embrace the new workforce and find ways to develop relationships with young people who may look and act differently from us. Once we get past these differences we will see that the prospect mentees probably want what all of us want, to be listened to, nurtured, developed and respected. Mentoring needs to be inclusive in a way that becomes the norm. The first mistake we make is probably even using the word mentor early in a relationship. I look at it this way: imagine you are on a first date and the person you are with says the two of you should get married. I would guess there would be no second date. This person might actually be someone to marry but the weirdness of setting up that kind of expectation on a first date borders on creepy. Formal mentoring relationships can have that same forced expectation and therefore fail before they begin. The first lesson is to let go of entering into this as a mentoring relationship. This is just a dialogue and if something comes of it, then another conversation might be something to consider. Take your time getting to know someone and be clear that not everyone is a match but entertain the possibility and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. The operative word is dialogue. The greater the apparent differences between the two of you, the more important it becomes that each of you is allowed to speak and, just as importantly, required to listen. Along the way, set up some guidelines around expectations you have of the other and what each of you will honor. I’d rather you committed to fewer things but followed through than be extravagant in your commitments and fail to live up to them. Another lesson here is that until someone really knows and loves us, we are judged by our behaviors, not our intentions. The greater the number of differences between potential mentor and protégé, the greater the chance of interpreting lack of follow-through as a personal slight. We view the actions of others through our own “cultural” lens so it is necessary to be clear, consistent, kind, patient and persistent. There is a great deal more to be said about being a mentor to someone who is apparently different from you than can be expressed in this column. Differences take many forms, besides the obvious ones of gender, race and ethnicity. Consider too the differences in aspirations, needs, customs and values. While getting people to open up about who they are may sound difficult, once you get the hang of it, it will profoundly change how you see and interact with the world around you. If you have the desire to help those who follow, then be willing to understand them as they are. If and when this young person becomes your protégé and feels truly understood, you will be able to guide, cajole, teach and harangue as needed. The joy derived will be not only what you pass on to them but what you learn about yourself along the way. Chris DeSantis uses his 20 years’ experience in training and development as an independent consultant. He specializes in the design and delivery of management and organization development interventions. A presenter at Leading Edge Alliance seminars, DeSantis focuses his work on assisting individuals or groups in identifying obstacles to effectiveness and subsequently works with them to create user friendly solutions aligned with the company’s strategic initiatives. He earned his undergraduate degree from the University of Notre Dame, an MBA from the University of Denver and an MA in organizational development from Loyola University.

A: Historically mentoring relationships were
such that an older, more senior worker would take under his wing a younger employee and guide him through the circuitous route to adulthood. He would share his personal experiences and provide advice in the hope that the young man would apply what the older male learned though his experiences. The mentor gave of his knowledge, time and energy as he, more often then not, saw something of himself in the youth. It’s a great experience to be chosen and nurtured by someone you respect. It also meant the mentee had a leg up, learned the lay of the land and received the right kind of help that accelerated his development. That has created a seductively romantic notion of the mentoring ideal. Today, in modern western societies, the composition of those able to mentor and those wanting to be mentored are no longer homogenous. The workforce is far more diverse; it’s made up of fewer and fewer people just like us, whoever we might be. Knowing this, I am not going to answer the question of lessons learned for those relationships that come naturally but rather focus on those of us who would like to mentor but don’t initially see ourselves in the eyes of a potential protégé. What we initially see are differences, not similarities. Look around your office—it’s my hope you are seeing greater diversity. The composition of

VOLUME 10 • ISSUE 3 • SprIng 2010

The Leading Edge - Spring 2010 - PKF

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