HLAA Hearing Loss Magazine July/August 2010 - 31

also separately and, of course, timing is everything: the environment should be calm and with minimal distractions. In addition, it would be important to explicitly ask them if they are willing to have this discussion. You need to catch everyone in the right mood. For example, you can ask, “Hey dad (mom), are you in the mood for me to ask you some questions about some things I’m wondering about?” Explicitly asking permission for a particular dialogue is a vital principle that is now being more recognized by physicians who strive to form collaborative relationships with their patients. In contrast, there is a Dennis the Menace cartoon in which Dennis was trying to be helpful to an elderly lady by leading her across the street. She was yelling, “I don’t want to cross!” He should have asked her first. Admittedly, this is a mouthful and much easier said than done since, by the way, you’re not really a non-involved reporter and by the way, they’re your parents. You’re bearing witness to your father not being tuned to conversations and undoubtedly experienceing a potpourri of emotional reactions that include love, concern, frustration, guilt, anger, fear, etc. Naturally, I don’t know exactly what comes up for you emotionally, but it obviously pushes some buttons and is probably worth exploring. Nonetheless, when you broach this subject, do your best to

…sometimes, no matter what we do with another person, no matter how expertly or lovingly we intervene, and no matter if the solutions are painfully obvious to an observer, all we can do is offer assistance, advice, and/or conversation. We can hope others will follow our wellmeaning advice, but we cannot expect it. Regardless, we offer help and assistance in order to preserve our ethical self-esteem; we feel good about ourselves for trying. posture yourself as curious, compassionate, loving, yet detached. How might you know that your parents are ready to address their denial? In my experience, you will sense you’re at this juncture when your discussion feels mutually engaging, stimulating, and fun—not like a power struggle or a sales job. Using another metaphor, you won’t feel like you’re chasing them. A sure sign is if your parents spontaneously think out loud about what may be going on, for when you engage in the process of explaining yourself to another person, often you end up realizing important things about yourself. These “ah ha!” moments character this stage of readiness. And at this stage, advice is typically much more effective. One possible advice is a referral to a mental health professional to evaluate what is going on psychologically.

Bottom line: We must acknowledge that sometimes, no matter what we do with another person, no matter how expertly or lovingly we intervene, and no matter if the solutions are painfully obvious to an observer, all we can do is offer assistance, advice, and/or conversation. We can hope others will follow our well-meaning advice, but we cannot expect it. (And, by the way, sometimes our advice may be flawed.). Regardless, we offer help and assistance in order to preserve our ethical self-esteem; we feel good about ourselves for trying. An instructive reflection was offered by Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel, who has dedicated his life to promoting ethics and political activism: “In the beginning, I thought I could change man. Today I know I cannot. If I still shout today, if I still scream, it is to prevent man from ultimately changing me.” Michael A. Harvey, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Framingham, Massachusetts, specializing in people with hearing loss. He is the author of Odyssey of Hearing Loss: Tales of Triumph and Listen with the Heart: Relationships and Hearing Loss.

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HLAA Hearing Loss Magazine July/August 2010

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