Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 22

Sexuality INTIMATE ISSUES WITH MARLOE
anticipation, and a heightened sense of alertness and focus. This means that even
if the cause wasn't really related to sex, we can still capitalize on our physiologic
response by reading it as arousal.7
For example:
* Seek Some Thrills. Of course, avoid putting yourself in a situation that is truly
terrifying or unsafe, but thrill-seeking can occur at whatever level is comfortable
for you. If you love a good horror film or roller coaster ride, great. If your
idea of adventure is more like trying a new flavor of ice cream, go for it! The
exhilaration that accompanies novel experiences, especially when you share
them with your honey, can translate to feeling feisty between the sheets, too.
* Get Moving. Have you ever felt especially in the mood after a workout? The
flood of feel-good endorphins and rush of oxygenated blood throughout the
body (genitals included!), combined with the body confidence we get from
feeling fit and strong, can all work together to set the stage for a playful frolic
in the bedroom. Forget the snooze-fest inspired by bubble baths-go out for a
sweat-inducing run or head to a dance party to get your body moving.
* Finding the Right Physical Technique
In addition to finding the right frame of mind, the second piece of the puzzle is to find a
stimulation technique that actually works. Although we have learned that the clitoris often
plays an important role in achieving orgasm (see Part I); we also know that triggering the
orgasm reflex can take practice,2
meaning that it's normal to require experimentation to
learn the method or approach that fits your unique needs.
▷ Get Comfortable
Promoting comfort is critical. If you experience genital pain with sexual touch, the
cause should be investigated and managed. This may include something as simple as
beginning a vaginal moisturizer regimen and using (a generous amount of) personal
lubricant with sexual activity. Ways to ease other physical discomforts could include
taking an analgesic or a good soak in a warm bath before getting your groove on to
help with neuropathies or to soothe achy muscles and joints.
▷ Experiment with Positioning
Certain sexual positions may be better for clitoral stimulation, either by making
simultaneous manual stimulation by you or your partner easier, or by promoting
stimulation of the internal clitoral structures during penetration. Also, something
as simple as changing the positioning of your legs (keeping them close together or
spreading them apart) or rhythmically contracting and relaxing your pelvic floor
muscles may heighten sensation.1
Supporting body parts with pillows during sex can
help, too. You might put pillows under your knees if lying on your back, or between
your knees if lying on your side, or strategically placed between you and your partner
to prevent pressure on your chest or on an ostomy device, for example.
▷ Experiment with Different Types of Stimulation
Self-touch for sexual pleasure is very common. It's a great way to figure out what's
changed since cancer, and to explore and learn what works for you. In fact, masturbation
is often one of the first professional recommendations for addressing orgasm
problems because it is such an effective strategy.5
There are lots of different ways to
self-pleasure.3 Consider " priming the pump " (see above) or incorporating a sexual
aid (see below). Just make sure that you are not in a rush; the length of time you need
to dedicate to appropriately direct stimulation is probably longer than you think.2
(A full Bridgerton episode, perhaps? Thanks, Netflix!) After your own self-guided
tour, you might choose to provide a hands-on tutorial for your partner to show them
what you have learned.
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ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
PLEASURE IS THE
MEASURE
Societal norms like to tell us that sex
without an orgasm is like coffee without
the caffeine (what's the point?). But I say
that sex without orgasm is more like ice
cream without the cake (still delicious!).
Hear me out. We know that reaching orgasm
through penis-in-vagina sex alone
is not a realistic expectation for many
(correction: most) women.5
We also
know that lots of women don't consider
orgasming to be an essential component
of a great sexual experience. So
why is there is still so much insistence
that reaching orgasm is the ultimate
measure of sexual success or failure?
Thinking about sex as a step-by-step
event (first comes desire, then comes
arousal, then comes orgasm) is
problematic. That's because it can lead
to spectatoring, where we basically
become preoccupied with analyzing
and comparing what is happening to
what we think should be happening,
instead of enjoying ourselves in the
moment. But who invited this black
cloud of performance pressure to come
rain on our pleasure parade, ya'll? If
we are worried about our performance
(how we look, how we sound, whether
we are taking too long, etc.), we are not
paying attention to the good stuff! After
all, sex isn't really about performing for
anyone-it's about how we feel while
engaging in it.
Honesty is typically the best policy.
Rather than pretending (turns out that
faking orgasm is super common8
),
communicate about what you like and
what's important to you. Assert yourself
and your needs. If that means helping
your partner learn what feels good to
you, great! If that means taking things
into your own hands (literally), fabulous!
If that means helping your partner
understand that you really don't need
an orgasm to enjoy being with them,
say so! Give yourself permission to step
down from the performance podium.
Instead, get curious about what it feels
like to be immersed in the pleasure
experience, and encourage your partner
to do the same.

https://www.elephantsandtea.com/sexuality/the-ouch-factor/ https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490903171794 https://www.sexualityresources.com/sexual-health-science/function-arousal-engorgement-orgasm/masturbation-for-women/ https://www.sexualityresources.com/sexual-health-science/function-arousal-engorgement-orgasm/masturbation-for-women/ http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM

Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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